Harry Potter has nothing on me. I am the star that lights the universe. I am a peanut butter and jam sandwich, the smooth kind, not crunchy. I am both Romeo and Juliet. I once killed a bear in my sleep, with nothing but a toothpick. Bunnies love my hair. I seduced mother nature with my boyish charm and Olympian body. I visited a psychic to warn her of her future. I bring a knife to a gun fight, just to even the odds. I am a dominatrix. I eat bread with the crust left on.

Every second Tuesday I fight a dragon. Every second Wednesday I eat dragon leftovers. Protein. On Thursday I have a nap, with my eyes open. My tears are the cure for cancer. I told Pluto that it isn't a planet. I sneezed, and created the universe. I starred in the play " Our American cousin" in April 14, 1865. I am the best man to weddings I do not attend. Macgyver comes to me for ideas. Using only a twig, 3 jube jubes, and raw emotion, I protected the village of Kakapopocachoo from a warthog ninja. After a visit, the great wall of China had to be renamed " the wall" . People ask me what came first, chicken or the egg. I simply tell them, " I did". I speak Braille. My name was in the credits of the movie "Superman" as the drawn inspiration.

Teaching cats to bark is a facile hobby that I picked up on my trip to the 8th wonder of the world. My summer home on the moon. Fear is afraid of me. In a murky hollow, high in the Himalayan mountains, I beat the red power ranger at rock, paper, scissors. Jeeves asks me. A cat once spoke to me. I once spoke to a rock. Unknowingly, I cured cancer in my sleep. In my down time, I move mountains with nothing but a plastic straw. I know the last digit of pi. 3. I was lost in a decollete tropical forest when I learned to speak French from a parrot.

My name is whispered in the farthest corners of the Earth. I threw the ring into the molten deeps of Mordor. I can count to 15 using nothing but my fingers. Wishing wells toss coins at me. Magic. Saving a kitten from a intensely lit-ablaze spruce tree has earned me the title "Best person ever". I phoned E.T. to converse about old times. I once meditated for 18 years, just to better understand the sound of a butterfly flying. Monsters dream of me. El Chupacabra wonders if I am real. In a deep and damp section of unmarked lands, in foliage cover meadow, is where I saw Bigfoot. Santa and I are on a first name basis. Darkness is an absence of light, and Light is an absence of me. I hurt candies teeth.

I have eaten a ghost chile. I have walked to the edge of a table and back again without moving. I have preformed heart surgery on myself, just to see if I could. I have trademarked the word "hello". In the early 18th century, I lobbed a Massive land mass into the Pacific ocean. The next day Hawaii was discovered. I have stayed awake through an opera. I have a tail. I have acquired a skill that allows me to vigorously drink water without hesitation.

But I have never showered.